An honest take on single life, from a single Christian with same-sex attraction
By made. known.
A few years ago I moved across the country on a dime. In the space of a month I found a new
job, a new church, and a new apartment, and listed all of my furniture for sale. Just a few weeks
later, I was settled into the new place. The church there was young, scrappy and energetic, and
needed hands. The job was rewarding, and the apartment was lovely. I was surprised by how easily and quickly the whole process came together, but perhaps I shouldn’t have been.
Before talking about singleness in the context of LGBTQ+ matters, two things must be noted up
front. First, it would be premature to assume that Christians seeking to manage their LGBTQ+
experiences in a God-pleasing way will be single for their entire lives. Plenty of folks walking
that road end up happily married in one man // one woman covenants – not because of a
miraculous removal of their burdens, but united with their spouse by a promise to bear each
other’s unique burdens together. Many others, however, do remain unmarried for the duration of
their earthly lives, and it’s with those brothers and sisters in mind that we’re writing here.
Second, singleness is not the same thing as isolation or loneliness, nor is it equated to fear of
commitment. Singleness need not be a burden, though it may feel like one until you learn how
to accept and appreciate it. It is not an unnatural condition that came about after the Fall in
Genesis 3, though we may often treat single people like the Israelites wandering in the desert,
waiting for deliverance from their suffering.
Single friends, what we have is a gift. If that wasn’t the case, then Paul lied to us in 1 Cor. 7:25-40 — and we know he didn’t. So don’t go on reading this as if it were a guide on how to make the most of a tragic situation.
Of course, the benefits Paul saw in being single probably won’t excite us as much as it excited
him. Paul had a face-to-face encounter with Jesus, and was living an almost monk-like life,
devoted to prayer and Bible study and serving others. His priorities reflect this. So is the only
way to lead a fulfilling, God-pleasing single life to do the same?
We’re not all being called to uproot ourselves like Abraham and live without a home. You can
put down roots, and perhaps you should. But at the same time, calls us to let go of anything that
gets in between us and a life of following him. He promises to make it worth our while.
Single Christian friends, you already know this. I’m not saying anything new here. But maybe I
can connect a few dots.
The call of Jesus to “follow me and live” can easily be ignored or watered down when we have a
busy life to tend to. Marriage and family are of course enormous blessings, but that same
enormity, and the difficulty of binding your life to another’s, can easily eclipse the call you first
received: to run after Jesus with everything you’ve got. Married folks fight a constant battle to
keep their love for God front and center, and those distractions multiply as their family grows.
Your path forward is comparatively clear, and that is a gift.
You have far fewer distractions and far more time to sculpt the life you’re aiming for. You can
make bold decisions quickly—like large donations, last-minute trips, or a long dinner with a
friend who needs support—because it’s only your own schedule that you need to consider. The
absence of a spouse means you’re well-situated to lean into trusting God, talking with him,
praying to him, growing in your relationship with him like Paul did.
You will still need companionship. We all do. But let me share a bit of insight I’ve learned over
years of singleness: just about everyone wishes they had closer friendships. Just about
everyone, married folks included, would love to have a standing date to get coffee with their
friend every Tuesday for the next 50 years. In 2023, the US Surgeon General warned about a
“Loneliness Epidemic,” and suggested that today’s fast pace of life is at least partially to blame.
Single friends, your capacity for flexibility puts you in a strong position to help.
And churches, get excited for us. It’ll be harder for us to see our singleness as a gift if we feel
pity whenever we walk into worship alone, or if loving, well-meaning Christian brothers and
sisters see singleness as something to fix. Our church family is perfectly positioned to remind us
we’re not disadvantaged, not wandering in the desert. Far from it; ask us about our travels, our
friends, and the lives we’re building together with our Lord.
Yes, we have a weak spot: without covenanted other-halves, we’re constantly in danger of
finding ourselves without caring companions or listening ears. On the mild end of the spectrum,
this means you may make it to lunch before finding the stain on your shirt that a spouse may
have caught at the door. On the more serious end, instead of a stain it’s a misunderstanding
about taxes that you never voiced to anyone. Maybe you end up out-of-practice at expressing
love and staying humble. Keep an eye on that gap in your armor.
But, single friends, don’t lament that a necessity has been withheld from you. That lament is
understandable, but it’s baseless. You’re a child of God, and a brother or sister of mine. You’re
not alone, and it could well be the case that the friends in your life need you as much as you
need them. We don’t get to choose our circumstances – but the one who does, does so better
than we ever could. Lean into it.