How well do you think your LGBTQ friend knows your God?

The Apostle Paul writes that everyone knows that God wants us to live a certain way (Romans 1:20; 2:14-15). And so even if a person rejects God, on some level they know what they’re rejecting: the idea that there’s a God who is righteous, holy, and demanding—demanding that we live a certain way and judging those who don’t. So, there’s a good chance your friend knows a little bit about that when it comes to your God. But if that’s all they know, do they really know your God?

Scripture reveals that our God is far more complex. Yes, he’s righteous, holy, and demanding. But just as much, and even more, Scripture emphasizes that God is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love (Psalm 103:8). He truly doesn’t want anyone to perish (2 Peter 3:9). He longs to gather all of us to him (Matthew 23:37). He is love—so much so, that he gave his life for all sins (1 John 4:8-10). So, here’s our question: How can your friend get to know your God—all of him? How can we take steps in difficult conversations, steps that allow us to say to our God after the conversation is over, “I tried to show all of you?”

Another way of thinking about this: Preaching the law can be an act of love. There’s no question about it. When someone is running headlong into eternal fires, clearly and confidently pointing out the danger is essential. It can certainly be an act of love. It can. Preaching the law can also be self-righteous, and God has strong words for us when we preach his law that way (Romans 2:17-23). So, here’s another question: How can our friend know that when you have God’s law to share, it’s motivated by that compassionate, gracious, slow-to-anger, abounding-in-love heart of Christ?

Here are two thoughts:

First: Lead with a gospel glimpse, because you’re assuming brokenness. A Christian counsellor once told me that when I preach a sermon (I’m a pastor), I need to assume that a third of the people sitting in the pews are so depressed that, if I lead with heavy-handed law right off the bat, there’s a good chance that people who are desperately ready for the gospel will be psychologically crushed and shut down. I’ll lose them before I ever get a chance to share the gospel. He said, “That’s just the reality we live in; so many people’s mental health is in such a sad state these days.” His advice was not to forget the preaching of the law or totally invert our law/gospel preaching. Instead, he said, “All you need to do is lead off with a glimpse of the gospel. Say, ‘We’re going to talk about some hard things, because God wants us to be honest. But please remember who God is: He is love. And nothing can separate you from his love. And so I have a message of hope, of full forgiveness, of complete peace with God coming. It’s coming. I promise you; we’ll get there.”

Do you see what the counsellor is asking us to do? To give our friends a glimpse of what’s to come so that everyone knows right from the start that, whatever we think of God right now, that’s not all of him. There’s more to come. He’s not just righteous, holy, and demanding. He’s also compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love.

It makes sense to me that we need to approach conversations about God’s Word with members from the LGBTQ community with the same idea. On the one hand, consider your audience: There’s a good chance your friend feels like an outcast carrying tremendous pain and deep scars, both from their struggles with others and with the guilt and shame of their own sins. There is a real risk that heavy-handedness right out the gate will shut things down, and no one is listening by the time you get to Jesus. On the other hand, consider Christ. When it came to the marginalized and outcast, when it came to those who felt completely rejected from the religious community, when it came to those carrying tremendous pain and deep scars, both from their struggles with others and with the guilt and shame of their own sins, Christ often gave them first a glimpse of God’s compassionate, gracious heart. The first thing Jesus says to Zachaeus is, “I want to spend time with you” (Luke 19:1-10). The first thing Jesus does with the crowds ready to stone a woman caught in adultery is to silence her accusers (John 8:3-11). The first words we hear Jesus speak to Matthew are not words of condemnation, but an invitation: “Follow me” (Luke 5:27-32). Jesus’ reputation was a friend of sinners (Matthew 11:19; Luke 7:34). And so, let your friend know what’s coming. “If you stick with me, I promise you, we’ll get there.”

My second thought: End with a gospel blessing. Bless those who curse you. Inevitably, you will try your hardest to lead with a gospel glimpse, to share that your God is not only righteous, holy, and demanding, but also compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love. And yet your friend may leave angry, maybe resentful towards you and your God. It might feel like no matter how hard you tried to show the love of God, all the person remembered as they walked away was the righteous demands of God. Scripture tells us exactly what to do in these situations. Just like we might lead with a gospel glimpse, we should end with a gospel blessing. Peter tells us when we find ourselves being abused, mistreated, ignored, or misunderstood for sharing God’s Word, we might be tempted to respond to anger with anger. But instead, he says, “Bless those who curse you” (1 Peter 3:9).

What could this possibly mean? What could this possibly look like? Here is Peter’s challenge to you and me. Do everything in your power to make it clear to your friend that you want God to bless them. You want things to go well for them. You want them to be happy, to be at peace, to live a meaningful and full life loaded with every blessing our good God can give someone. Does that mean you don’t want them to learn exactly what God’s law says, turn from their sins, and live? By no means. In fact, you know that’s exactly what you want to happen when you call God’s blessings on them. To be truly blessed is to know God fully as his forgiven, redeemed child. But even if your friend doesn’t know what you fully mean by blessing, you want them to walk away knowing you love them and want what’s best for them, and so you’re going to call on your God to bless them.

And of course, Jesus didn’t just speak words of blessing. He acted out those words, becoming a blessing in the lives of the people around him. So, too, we’re called to more than simply verbally blessing your friend. Go all in. The LGBTQ community has come to expect Christians to grow distant after “the talk.” Upend that expectation. Get close. Be tactful and mindful that they might need a bit of space. But make it abundantly clear that you’ll be there for them when they’re ready.

Peter tells us that after we bless those who curse us we need to “be prepared to give an answer” (1 Peter 3:16). In other words, Peter is fully convinced that even when it looks like the door is closed, often it’s not. You need to be ready when your friend asks you, “Why? Why do you continue to love me and to bless me?” Peter says, “Be prepared to tell them why.” This is often how God works through our struggles and pains and acts of kindness and mercy amid hardships. God turns them into opportunities to share the One who has given us so much kindness and mercy. The One who has shown us not only that he is righteous, holy, and demanding, but has shown us that he is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love (Psalm 103:8).

And so begin with that gospel glimpse. “My heart has been captured, and I so want your heart to be captured, too. Please hear me out to the end. I have a message of hope, of full forgiveness, of complete peace with God coming. It’s coming. I promise you, we’ll get there.” And end with that gospel blessing. “I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you to hear me out, but thank you, and may God bless you. May he give you every blessing a good God can give someone.” After all, how blessed it is that you know all of God. And it is my prayer he helps you help your friends know all of him.