First off, let me say, I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re here on this website, learning more, listening, exploring. I’m also glad you’re here if you experience what I experience. I see you, and you matter—to me, and to God!

I also apologize, as this is more of a collection of reflections than a story; there are pieces of my story woven around my thoughts.

Here’s a bit of context for where I’m coming from. I am a 27-year-old person with a career in public education. I have been exploring gender issues since college, when I first began meeting people that didn’t fit the binary—the mold of man and female. Now, I also experience gender dysphoria at times. No, I did not know that I felt like I was a different gender when I was a child. (More on that later). I have been a lifelong Lutheran in the WELS. I currently identify as a nonbinary person, because the term allows me to describe my conflict between genders, and also serves as a respite from the binary argument by using gender neutral pronouns (they/ them).

In college, I was exposed to very different kinds of people for the first time in my life. This included people of a variety of sexualities and gender identities, and I was instantly curious, particularly about the gender identities. Sexualities, I already knew that God had spoken on the topic, but the idea of gender identities was new for me.

Here, I caution you—if you are one that is curious like I was, be careful. I won’t say that I regret exploring the topic, but I did learn things I didn’t think I would learn. Throughout my journey in college and early adulthood, I explored different components of gender issues, starting with the physical aspects. I found that I liked binding and appearing more masculine, through clothing changes and haircuts. I found that I enjoyed having a more masculine sounding name, even if I didn’t know why. It was a sense of joy, of comfort, not a sense of pleasure. This feeling of enjoyment wasn’t sexual in nature. I’ve never experienced sexual attraction and/or pleasure. It was a sense of finding myself. It’s like the first time doing one of your favorite activities—“Where has this been all my life?!”—and knowing you’ll keep doing it the rest of your life. I couldn’t really explain it; it came from my very core.

My emotions throughout the journey continued to surprise me, as I discovered things I didn’t know I loved. But here’s the catch—those extremely joyful experiences came with a price. I may feel happier and more confident in general for these changes I’ve made—but I can’t go back. The one time I tried to go back to how I lived before (presenting as female), I found myself experiencing panic attacks and tears. I had thought it would be easy to switch back if I had to…the opposite was true. From that point on, I knew going back would trigger gender dysphoria.

I want to note—all of my experiences were after puberty. I was not one of those transgender people who knew since they were small that they were in the wrong body. I was none the wiser until I started experimenting, liked what I experienced, and only then realized I couldn’t go back without pain and mental health concerns. I’ve known multiple trans people, Christian and non-Christian, and their stories have all been different in one aspect or another. Don’t assume to know much, if anything, when someone comes out to you as transgender or for having gender dysphoria. Be willing to listen and struggle with them (but also don’t assume they see this as a struggle). In the earlier years of my experiences, I didn’t think I was struggling. I felt happier, more confident, and more like “me” than I ever had before. It became more of a struggle later, when I realized I couldn’t go back if I ever needed to. I remember hating when people described being trans as a struggle. It wasn’t a struggle for me, it was just about finding a more authentic version of myself.

I want to close with some positive thoughts and life advice that I’ve gained from these years. First, you are not alone. Whether you are the one that feels these things, or whether you are watching a loved one go through them, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Consult your pastor, this website, and other WELS resources to find a support group and community to help you deal with these things! It was invaluable to me to have a support group of other Christian trans people early on in my gender journey. Secondly, when you become an adult, it won’t matter as much to you as it does when you’re in your childhood and college years. Simply… adults don’t have time to spend thinking about identity questions, because we are so busy working and making sure there is a roof over our heads. This fact has brought me some small comfort, even if it doesn’t answer my questions about how to develop companion relationships. I still wonder “Will I ever have a family?” “Will I ever have a significant other?” “What will they look like?” But those questions aren’t as prominent as they used to be.

Lastly, and most importantly: God’s got you. God loves you, even through this mess, through these feelings, through these struggles. Fall back on that support, cling to your Savior, and trust him to see you through. Stay in the Word and wrestle with it. Wrestle with the loneliness in your heart and the temptation to say screw it and get involved in a same-sex relationship, even when the Bible clearly says it’s not right. God’s got you, even if you’re tempted. Even if you’re lonely. Even if you’re lost. Even if you’re confused as to why God has said what he has said. He’s got you.