The following story comes from an interview with a set of parents.

Bill: Well, we met in the early 90’s, each of us looking for someone with the same position and love for Jesus, and God brought us together. Ten years later, we had three great kids. They attended WELS Lutheran school and were very close.

Jane: Yeah, all the while when they were growing up, I think there was a very close bond between all three of them.

B: We did a lot of camping together, and took turns reading through family devotion books. Now I’m 60 and it’s like, where did all the time go?

Our youngest, Justin, is in his early 20’s. He likes music a lot, so when as a teenager he started to dress differently and paint his nails, I attributed it to the genre of music he was listening to. But Jane could tell something wasn’t right. Then when she and I were up north on a trip one day about a year ago, she got a text from him.

J: It was a pretty long text.  He said he knows that we’re wondering what’s going on. And that’s when he laid it all out, that he’s felt like he’s been a girl most of his life. So, like for more than ten years at that point. He said he struggles with it all the time because he knows it’s not right in God’s eyes. His text was long, and I knew he was scared to death to even admit his feelings.  He was afraid that his family would disown him and we would not speak to him anymore.

I texted him back and said that I had a feeling for a while that something was going on, I just didn’t know exactly what.  I said that it’s good to get all the cards on the table and know exactly what’s going on.  I just told him, I said the first thing we have to tell you is that we love you, we will be here for you, and most importantly, God loves you. I said you’ll always have a place in our home. And even though he might not feel that God loves him but actually hates him, that’s not true.

I wanted to make sure that I brought God into it so that he knew that he had a safe place to fall, if nothing else – because we always made God the center of everything in our house. If there are problems, let’s pray about it. Let’s ask what God would think of any situation.

B: So we just wanted to reinforce what he already knew. He was feeling unlovable because of his struggles.

J: Since then, we found a couple of books and have done a lot of reading trying to understand this and learn about him. The books gave me a lot of peace because I learned that Justin really can’t help any of this. I remember he’d even told me he’d give anything not to have gender dysphoria. He doesn’t want to be this way. He even said he’d rather be an alcoholic because at least people wouldn’t look at him funny. There’s more of a social stigma, right? of boys dressing like girls. If he were an alcoholic, no one would think twice. And I understand where he’s coming from.

When we got home from that trip when he texted us, we just tried to keep telling him that we still loved him. We tried to make general conversation, asking how work is going. But he told us he hates talking about work, because his job is in a very male-dominated field and he’d get beaten to a pulp if he tried to be himself there.  I understand that, but now I don’t know what to talk about. I want to be part of his life.

B: I think he feels like he’s the elephant in the room at home now. I don’t particularly see it that way, but I think he does so he doesn’t want to talk about it. We try to help him relax, but it’s hard.

J: He told us recently that he wouldn’t have any stress if he could just dress the way he wants and use female pronouns. I told him I don’t think that’ll take all the stress away, but also told him that he can dress however he wants to around our house. This is his home, we love him and want him to feel comfortable here. We’ve seen him in women’s clothes and makeup, and haven’t criticized anything. But I think his Christian upbringing is still in the back of his head making him feel convicted at home.

B: I mean, we’ve been pretty traditional in our beliefs, but we didn’t go around bashing other lifestyles. But I think he just knows in his heart what he learned as a kid, and it’s burning at him.

J: He hates coming home, I think. And I think it’s because when we say we love him and accept him, he’s not believing it.

B: Right.

J: And that’s even after we’ve been reading so much and learning so much.

B: He seems to think God doesn’t love him. I have that voice in me too, but I don’t listen to it. But, I mean, it’s hard to overcome. He’s talked a bit about suicide. It doesn’t seem like a serious thought, but you never know.

Interviewer: What else have you been learning through all of this?

B: I think of Jesus’ grace, and how he treated everyone while he was here. And I think that’s been reinforced in our minds as we understand what Justin’s dealing with.  As time goes on, we keep reading books and talking to other people with similar stories. Our understanding isn’t perfect, but it helps.

J: I like the way that Mark Yarhouse outlines three lenses through which to look at this in his book, Understanding Gender Dysphoria. It put a lot into perspective for me and again helped me see that Justin truly can’t help the way he feels. In our family we’ve always talked about everybody having their cross to bear, and this one is Justin’s.

But I think where I’m struggling right now is feeling like God wants me to nurture my son in a God-fearing way and I’m wondering what to do next? How do I parent him through this?  How much of his desires do I affirm? I wish there was a magic answer, like just do A, B, and C and you’re good. But this is part of the journey. I think I might not know for a few years yet, or may never know what to do or what I should’ve done. But right now I’m feeling God telling me I have to love my son. I have to love my son, whatever that looks like. I’m not going to worry so much about what the exact right thing is, because God knows what my struggle is.

When I say my prayers, I don’t know what to pray for. So my prayer is, God – you know what this is. And you know what Justin is struggling with. Help us find the best outcome. Help us find whatever’s right. I don’t want to just blow it all off and say, well God, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to love my son and let him do what he wants. No, it’s not that. I’m just focusing on loving Justin and praying that God helps us figure out something because I don’t know what to do next.

Interviewer: How do you think your church community would react to learning about Justin?

J: I don’t think it’d go over very well.

B: I think our pastor could react well, probably more than we give him credit for. But the church body, I’m not so sure about.

J: I think in a one-on-one conversation our pastor might be more empathetic, but in sermons he likes to make comments about LGBTQ culture and transgender people reading stories at libraries, as examples of how the world is so broken. I get where he’s coming from. I get that there have to be some boundaries. Except now he’s talking about my son, who didn’t ask to be this way. Maybe our pastor would be more kind one-on-one, but it’d be hard for me to take that seriously when I know he preaches about people like my son as the enemy. I have to think there are others in our church who are dealing with LGBTQ matters similar to us.

I would so love to be open about it and talk to others about Justin. I won’t, because that’s his story to tell. But I want to pray about it with others. I want us all to be loving and accept each other and our struggles and do life together until we meet Jesus. I’ve always wanted that sort of church community, and even more so now with Justin’s struggles.

B: And I think over time, we will make those adjustments and be able to talk about these things more easily.

Interviewer: What would you tell a parent whose child just came out to them?

B: Generally, try to be more open about life and live it as brothers and sisters, not independently. Use that support in general as a family. But that’s not something that just happens overnight. It takes time, and we have the tools to get it started. Let’s try to understand before being accusatory.

J: I’d say love your kid; that’s the mom talking. Love them and reassure them that Jesus does love them no matter what.

B: Unconditionally. And that they’re forgiven.

J: And that we’ll do this together. It’s not just your struggle, it’s ours. We’ve all got crosses to bear, together.

B: And this one isn’t a death sentence.

J: Yeah, it’s not a death sentence. For you, or for your kid.

B: It’s an opportunity to use what you learn and show your love and be supportive.

J: God says he’ll never give you more than you can handle, and he’ll make everything turn out right. Those truths always seem to apply to everybody else, until you’re in the situation and you don’t see God’s plan for you. But now I’m finding myself believing that he really does have a plan, even though I don’t know what it is yet.

It’s like, you’ve been trying to raise your kids all these years in a certain way, and if you do those things they’ll turn out perfect. They went to Christian schools, we did our devotions  and prayers, we spent quality time together as a family and tried really hard to have a Christ-centered home.       I was trying to create the perfect family, and I’m learning that God was laughing at me–

B: (also laughing)

J: —because we don’t have the perfect family, and not just because of what Justin’s going through. I have learned that I don’t have to be in control of everything because I can’t be.  But God can, and he knows what’s best for all of us. Maybe this experience is all about God trying to teach me.

B: And maybe for Justin, too. Maybe this whole experience will be useful for him, too.