In the mid 2000’s USA Today ran a weekly column about religious issues. It was in a point-counterpoint format. The reader was supposed to feel like they were eavesdropping on a conversation between the two authors—one conservative, one liberal. This should have been an immediate red flag because doctrine is not so easily put into these two categories. The articles were subpar even though the authors were not. One week I had enough. It wasn’t because I disagreed with either author. It was because they clearly did not know the topic at hand. Imagine an American football fan writing about cricket. The cricket fan will easily sniff out this fraud. As the saying goes, “The authors weren’t right; they weren’t even wrong!”

Then it dawned on me. On every other page of the newspaper, I accepted the columnists’ words as true (even if I might disagree with the conclusion). I wondered if political scientists, historians, and biologists rolled their eyes when reading newspaper articles in their field like I did for the one article I was qualified to critique. Then another thought dawned on me. I stand before a congregation every Sunday and speak to people every single day as a pastor about myriad topics. Do people roll their eyes at me?

What would outsiders eavesdropping on our conversations think? What message do we send with our sermons, Bible classes, and even private Christian conversations? Would they roll their eyes? Sure, some will dismiss the truth no matter what but what about those with open minds? Would they come away thinking that we were fair, knowledgeable, and above all else, loving? Or would they only hear a “clanging symbol” (1 Corinthians 13:1)?

God’s Word is clear about gender and sexual issues but the cultural and even scientific data is not always as clear. Such is life as a limited human being in a sin-limited world. We just do not have the perspective nor the access to the data that a divine being possesses. We should proceed with humility—the humbling realization that we cannot know everything.

It is wise to ask yourself these questions when speaking about issues outside your expertise.

What language do you use? This is not simply a warning against derogatory slurs but an encouragement to use correct and accepted terminology and accurate data.

What is your emotion? Do you come off as mad or sad? Righteous anger is a legitimate emotion for the Christian, but sadness for the sinner should trump the anger the Christian has for the sinfulness of the world.

What are you actually upset about? Are you upset about sin or about society? Be honest about your intentions.

What is your goal? Are you trying to win a cultural war, or are you trying to win a soul? The former does nothing for the kingdom of God; the latter is our true calling as a church.

Some other advice: Live by the law; die by the law. If our words are only law, then the law will come back to accuse us. An honest anthropologist will marvel at the remarkable consistency of ethics throughout history. Murder is murder whether you live in 21st Century America or 4th Century India. This is obvious to the Christian who understands natural law and a God-ordained conscience gifted to all people. While there is little to no difference in ethical substance between cultures there are different emphases. In the West we tend to promote sexual modesty over economic modesty. This is one of many examples of different ethical emphases we find in different cultures. Be careful that you do not ignore one sin for another. You will lose credibility. Live by the law; die by the law. Let the law be the hammer that shatters our false piety for the purpose of gospel restoration, not for the purpose of winning an argument or a cultural war.

Play the long game. It is tempting to point out the absurdities of our current cultural discussion about gender, but if we lower ourselves to cheap one-liners, satirical memes, or “gotcha” moments, we have not addressed the problem. Let the culture play this game. Cultural movements swing wildly like a pendulum. There are corrections and overcorrections. Be the person who remains calm and steadfast, rather than the person who got caught up in the fervor. If you do, opportunities for honest discussions will present themselves.

This is doubly true for our individual ministry to those who struggle with sin. The gospel changes people but not always like a pill. And even if the sinful behavior is “cured,” the saint remains a sinner this side of heaven. Be patient. Be the person who demonstrates control and who shows an authentic empathy for the sinner. Play the long game.

Speak apologetically. Do not make bold assertions, but rather stand ready to defend your case. Do not assume that your assertions will be accepted as truth, rather assume that they will not. This mental preparation will help you think clearly about the topic and therefore you will speak more clearly about the topic.

Realize everybody seeks righteousness. All human beings, religious or not, desire to be “right” and whether they articulate it this way or not, they desire to be “righteous.” This is also true of you. Your goal should not be to attain “rightness” but to show gospel love.

The person to whom you minister can only be made right(eous) by the blood of Christ and by no other means (i.e. a law). Could it be that the person to whom you minister is attempting to validate their sinful life by a law (e.g. I am who I am and you should accept me)? If this is the case, and I think to a certain extent it always is the case, then provide them with the only true solution to this problem, Christ. They are made right with God on account of Christ and not by justifying themselves through a law, any law (Romans 3). Relieve them of the impossible burden of justifying themselves.

Trust the power of the Word. All of the biological, psychological, and natural law arguments for a God pleasing sexuality are useful, but only the gospel promise can change people from stubborn sinners to humbled saints. God’s Word is active. It is dynamic. It has the power to save. It is our only hope.

It is a messy world full of messy sinners, and that includes us. We all need the gospel. If our message is only law, we forfeit our opportunity to preach the gospel. If our message comes off as naïve, unloving, or ignorant, we have placed a barrier between the sinner and the one thing they need, the gospel. We will sound like those USA Today authors and be dismissed as clanging symbols. If we speak clearly, intelligently, and with great empathetic love for the sinner, opportunities will present themselves.

Permit me one last thought. The older I get the more I think about the Parable of the Pharisee and Tax collector (Luke 18:9-14). The tax collector beats his chest and confesses his unworthiness while the Pharisee claims righteousness before God with faux humility, “God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector” (Luke 18:11b). The tax collector is justified by the gift of grace while the Pharisee is condemned by the law, the very law by which he tried to justify his righteousness before God.

This story sticks in my mind because the Pharisee’s words are mine, but in a different way than the Pharisee meant those words. I am thankful that I am not like other men. I have many vices but, by the grace of God, my vices are not ones that typically ruin marriages and families (gambling, adultery, addictions). My vices are ones that my culture does not deem as grievous as others; they are seemingly small but no less damning. This does not lead me to pride but rather to empathy and thankfulness. I have it easier than those who struggle with other sins, sometimes simply because I live in this time and place and not another. I am not better. I am blessed.

For those of you who struggle with the sins that our culture deems great, I am sorry. But do not take this as pity on my part but rather respect. It is not fair; sin never is. My hope in Christ’s forgiveness is the same hope you have for your salvation. Grace isn’t fair either. For those, like me, who struggle with private sins that our culture happens to deem minor, be humbled by this and speak with empathy and respect. You are no better than others, and they are forgiven no less than you are. Relieve them, and yourself, of the impossible burden of justifying yourselves; clothe yourself with Christ. This is the attitude of true grace-filled love. May those who eavesdrop on our conversations be encouraged by the truth spoken in love and not turned off by our attempts at self-justification.