“They’re here!”

What kind of image does that expression conjure up in your mind?  For me, I’m 8 years old and it’s Christmas Eve.  My sister is sitting by the window, eagerly awaiting the arrival of our grandparents so that we can dive into cookies and presents and get on with all the things that accompany the celebration of Christ’s birth.  When she sees the slowdown of oncoming headlights, she alerts the room: “They’re here!”

Oh, how that expression held such a different meaning the other night.  “They’re here” didn’t signal the beginning of an idyllic winter night sure to be etched in my innocent childhood memory for years to come; it was the manifestation of something I had managed to avoid for the past year.

This was the night my husband and I had agreed to meet our daughter’s partner.

So when my husband announced, “They’re here!” part of me wanted to run to the bedroom and hide behind a closed door.  Fake a sudden onset of the stomach flu.  But the part of me that wants to maintain a relationship with my daughter won out.  I sent one more quick prayer up to heaven and greeted my daughter and her partner at our front door.

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Our daughter Nicole first told us she was bisexual six years ago when she was a teenager.  Back then, I thought we posed all the appropriate questions and comments in response to her declaration:  “What makes you think this?”  “Have you had any same-sex experiences?”  “Before you commit to this label, let’s get you some counseling.”  “Would you agree to talk to Pastor about your feelings?”  Some of these questions were answered with vague responses, while others were met with silence.

The next few years were difficult for Nicole in many ways, and last winter she made a social media post which repeated the same discovery she announced to us six years ago. Maybe it shouldn’t have been surprising, but I’m sure my husband and I had been hoping and praying for some against-all-odds outcome: that in the past six years, she had grown out of being bisexual.

The months that followed proved to be interesting.  My husband and I decided we would pretend not to know.  We thought, she will tell us face-to-face when she’s ready.  This bought us time to pray, read Scripture, and formulate our response for when the time came.

Well, the time came about two months after the social media post.  She blurted it out after she was visibly distracted and restless during a family dinner we had together.  One of the details of her announcement included that she was currently in a relationship with a person she referred to as her “girlfriend”.  Our response, rehearsed but heartfelt, came easy.  “We know.  And although you know we don’t agree with it, we don’t want this to affect our relationship.  We still love you and want you in our life.  If you agree, we hope you’ll want us in yours, too.”  We could see the relief just wash over her face as she happily agreed to maintain our relationship despite her alternative lifestyle.

Well, good intentions without action only go so far.  Both sides of the relationship (us and her) saw each other less and less.  Conversations were few and far between and when we did converse, it was very forced.  Talk about the epitome of avoiding the elephant in the room!  The effort to maintain the relationship waned.

Only recently had Nicole brought up the topic of us meeting her partner.  Our answer was not an immediate “yes”.  Actually, it was a “not now” response at first.  But because of her persistence, we finally agreed that if we truly did want to maintain a relationship with her, we would have to concede.  No time like the present, we thought, so we made plans to meet Nicole and her partner Prem in the context of “game night”.

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“They’re here!”  Forcing myself to stick with the plan and not scurry away and hide, we met Prem, who Nicole introduced as her girlfriend.  Probably knowing about our hesitation to meet her, Prem did not throw off warm and fuzzy vibes upon first walking into the room.  But unless my daughter strong-armed her into the car, she had agreed to come, and here we were.  In the same room together, with the entire evening ahead of us.

What complicated the introduction, though, was that outwardly, Prem appeared to be a male.  Thick stature, low voice, and masculine features were evident despite the skirt and hair pulled back in a ponytail.

So not only does my daughter have a girlfriend, her girlfriend appears to be a boy.  This narrative was playing in my mind throughout the night and yes, both my husband and I messed up and referred to “she” as “he” a couple times.  After it happened the second time, I just fessed up to our mistake and apologized on behalf of both of us.  I figured addressing it head-on was better than being worried about making the same mistake again and again.  Prem was gracious and appreciated the apology.

Having the game to focus on and learn was a great distraction.  Since it was new to us, this put Nicole and Prem “in the driver’s seat” so to speak, and gave them some low-stakes authority and control of the evening.  It turned the tables a bit and put my husband and me in the vulnerable position, instead of them. This balanced the atmosphere, and Prem definitely warmed up to us as the night wore on.

I can’t say we’re all best buds and planning a couples vacation for next year, but the initial anticipation and dread of the first meeting is over. There is still a lot of journey left in this part of our relationship with our daughter. My husband and I said a prayer of thanks to the Lord for guiding us through the night, and for the opportunity to show  Christ’s love by offering a little bit of grace to those who all too often feel marginalized in the Christian community. And just as important, we got to spend time with our daughter and keep our relationship alive.