My story begins as many other WELS Pastor’s kids do, moving from call to call, living in parsonages, and having the strongest example of faith in my father and mother. However, middle school is where my story takes a turn from the usual.

My first time in a Lutheran School came in my early teens, and being surrounded by God’s word during the school day was new, special, and exciting! I loved the intellectual challenge that Christian Doctrine brought me, however, I did not like learning about the 6th Commandment. Something felt wrong, yucky, and pointed at me and I just couldn’t figure it out. I liked boys, I knew that waiting for marriage is what I was supposed to do, and I anticipated marrying “Mr. Semi-Perfect” one day. So what was wrong? I mean I thought girls were pretty, but all girls think other girls are pretty, right? All middle school girls want to kiss their best friend at a sleepover, right? It had to have been those pesky hormones everyone was talking about, not just me.

Confirmation and graduation came and went, and I was on my way to an area Lutheran High School. I played sports, performed in music ensembles, made new friends, and did well academically. I found myself having lots of crushes on boys, of course having none of them being reciprocated, and dreaming of what it would be like to be in a relationship. One night a familiar face popped into my dream, but this time, it wasn’t Landon or Gabe, it was Courtney. It didn’t feel gross or wrong, it felt nice and loving. I woke up in a daze, confused. What was that dream, and why did I like it so much? Does she know she was in my dream? Do I tell her? It was a total joke, right? Christians can’t possibly have same sex crushes, it’s wrong.

One of my friends left my school to go to public school, but she still came to our dances. While getting ready for one, she mentioned that she had kissed a girl. My heart skipped a beat. I was asking question after question wanting to know more, I had never felt more excited in my life because someone else had felt this, too! Then, my friends made fun of me saying why would I want to know all this stuff? Oh, I guess not everyone feels this way. My head was racing, but I stopped asking questions.

It was at that moment that I realized that I might not be straight. I didn’t know what that meant because I also liked boys, I feared for my friendships, my family, and most of all, my salvation. I was terrified that by accepting and putting a label to my feelings would make me not a Christian anymore, so, I hid it deep, deep, down. I kept going like nothing had happened, I dated a few boys, broke up with a few boys, always wondering if I would let my family down. I was terrified that I would fall in love with a girl instead of a boy. I was in constant anxiety about what I would do if I wanted to marry a girl instead of a boy.

By the grace of God, my person came along into my life — and he was a boy. Though life was not all rainbows and sunshine all the time, the weather certainly was nicer with him around. The moment I knew that he was the man I was supposed to marry was when I told him these strange feelings that I had about girls. He simply said, “Ok, we all have things that we struggle with. As long as you love me, I’ll love you.” When we got married, the relief was instant. I was not a failure or a fraud, I wouldn’t let my family down.

I have been beyond blessed with the gift of my husband, and his continued support with my struggle. Home feels safe, but one place that still feels tumultuous is church, and by extension, my pastor father. As a musician, I love being involved in worship. I also love being involved in church programming, but what would people think if they knew about my same sex attraction? Would I be allowed to be around the little ones, take communion, or sing in church?

When I was asked to teach Vacation Bible School, I knew that I had to confess to my pastor. I prepared myself for the worst news, but something else happened: he wrapped me in a hug and said, “That was so brave of you to tell me. You are forgiven.” Those are words that I had needed since I started having these feelings in the 7th grade. He continued to tell me that because I was not actively living in my sin and fighting against it, that I could continue to serve my church, take communion, and live a normal life. I was not the pariah that I had feared my whole life to have been. In my home church, I am not “out,” nor do I think I ever will be, but I know that I am safe and loved.

I told my mom last summer, and it took her a few hours to process, but she loves me and knows that similarly to my pastor, I am not living in sin and fighting actively against it. We both agreed to not tell my dad yet. I am not in a place mentally to handle his active struggle when I do tell him. I do plan on it, but I am still scared by how he will react, and the pain I could cause him. I would hate to have my same sex attraction hurt his ministry. Similarly, my husband’s family doesn’t know, as one of my inlaws works for the church. I would be devastated if my “coming out” would hurt their job.

I desperately want to be fully “open and out” and use my same sex attraction as a ministry to help other Christians with same sex attraction know that they have temptations, not a curse or a disease, and that God still loves them. I want them to know that God still wants them to be coming to church, enjoying fellowship with others, and partaking in the sacraments. While same sex attraction could lead to a lifestyle of sin, so could a temptation toward alcoholism and gambling.

My one word of advice to all who read this is: we live in a sinful world and are surrounded and bombarded by sin constantly. The struggle of same sex attraction is a life-long battle, but God never will leave you.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9