We know what we want to do: we want to build a foundation for an ongoing relationship based on humility, love, and truth. While we want to be loyal to the Word of God (see, e.g. “On Creation: Sexuality & Gender”), we also want to embrace our hurting loved ones with God’s compassion.

There are no hard and fast rules here. Situations differ, as do family dynamics. In tough conversations like these, people will also have different levels of openness to the discussion itself. Everyone comes from a unique set of circumstances and is trying to navigate a unique set of pressures. As you listen, bear in mind the relationship complications arising from shared histories: fathers with daughters, sons with mothers, older sisters with younger siblings, etc.

The simple takeaway? Engage in conversation with the person in front of you, bringing as few preconceptions as possible into the discussion. Treat others as you would be treated: not as a problem (Overbearing Father; Messed-up Sister) but as an individual, a unique human being, and a fellow creature of God.

In all of this, remember that we are children of our heavenly Father. He causes his sun to shine on the evil and the good and his rain to fall on the just and the unjust (Matthew 5:45). Our Father loves unconditionally. He gives his earthly gifts without considering the worthiness of those who will receive them. He does not shun us when we fail him. Jesus holds up our Father’s unconditional love as an example for us to emulate in our earthly relationships.

This leads directly to the next point. More important than worrying about what we are to say is to consider how we can better listen. Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give someone, especially when we hear things that are painful and difficult to bear. But God encourages us to listen as an expression of our love. He says in James, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (1:19).

Our prime goal in such listening is to understand the person on their own terms. Not to argue. Not to judge. Sometimes, we may think that this kind of listening means condoning sin, especially if we hear things contrary to God’s will being said. It does not.

There is a time and a place to speak the truth of God plainly. But there is also a time to listen. We want to hear our loved one out and allow them to express themselves fully. We want to assure them that we are earnestly seeking to understand their life’s temptations and struggles as they themselves see them. It could be that upon hearing them out, you find that the truth you had felt compelled to share earlier would have been mistimed – law applied to an already open wound, admonition laid on a soul already heavy with guilt.

Emulating our heavenly Father, giving a listening ear to someone else–these are starting points for the conversational journey. There is one more important thought to bear in mind.

The Christian life is not one of complete and unconditional mastery over sin. Yes, we now have, in Christ, the power to say “no” to our sinful nature and “yes” to God (Romans 6:14). This does not mean, however, that we have achieved on earth some ultimate victory over our sin-nature so that it does not trouble us anymore.

The struggle with indwelling sin is a constant reality for every Christian. It is a fierce struggle within our souls, a battle of “me” against “me.” It is only resolved by trusting in Christ’s forgiving love. As the Apostle Paul puts it:

 I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ..Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans 7:19-25).

This means as we prepare to speak to others, we must remember that we all have “stuff.” Sinful things we struggle with inside. Ingrained attitudes of which we are not proud. Hidden desires that cause us shame. Your stuff may not be my stuff. But we all have stuff.  And that stuff does not simply disappear when we turn from it. We’re called to bear each others’ persistent stuff, whether they get better or not. One person may always struggle with anxiety, even though Jesus says, “Do not worry!” (Matt 6:25). Another person may constantly battle his inner greed, even though he knows it’s a false god (Col 3:5).

This knowledge fosters empathy and a generous spirit. We’re all in the same boat. I’m no better than anyone else. I’m not some holy saint looking down his holy nose upon children of a lesser god. I speak as one flawed sinner to another. I’m no worse than anyone else, either. We all feel guilt. We all experience shame.

Impulses to sin and shame-engendering desires may not trouble everybody in exactly the same way. But ever since Adam, they exist in every one of us. “No temptation has overcome you but what is common to man” (1 Corinthians 10:13).

That’s a good perspective to bear in mind as you speak to someone troubled by a sin you are not troubled by. It’s an attitude that enables you to speak the truth with love and compassion. That kind of love leads us to speak–to speak as one filled with a desire to win the hearts of others who appear to be giving in and allowing themselves to be mastered by sinful desire. I say “appear” because the struggle inside the soul may be quite different than what is visible on the surface.

That means we will convey and express love for the person no matter what they say or do. Surround them with love and compassion rather than fire back at them with shock or hurt. The overarching attitude in our hearts is, “You struggle with sin; so do I.”

There is a time and place for confrontation. There is value in some circumstances in saying things more than once. But if the people you’re trying to reach are close to you, it’s likely that they already know what you believe. Given the relationship, the less fire and brimstone, the better. We’ve learned (mostly through hard experience) that, very often, rather than confronting or belaboring the truth, a simple one-time confession of the truth is sufficient.

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Earlier, I described the conversation as a journey. Unless there is no other choice, don’t treat the encounter as the only one you will ever have, but as one stop on the path you are walking together. In other words, don’t try to settle everything in one conversation. Don’t slam the door to further dialogue. Take the long view and keep calm. What is today is not forever. God willing, there will be other opportunities. Gauge a person’s openness to continue the discussion. Ask God for both patience and a heart ready to walk through any door when left ajar.

As much as possible, avoid permanent rupture in relationships. You may not be able to relate on a spiritual level, but you can still create a context for communication by expressions of a first-article love, just as our heavenly Father does. His sun still shines. His rain still waters the earth. Invite them to dinner. Remember their birthdays. Help them with their finances. Find a tangible way to demonstrate your continued love for them.

Finally, and most importantly, pray for the Spirit of Christ to fill your soul with love and remove all shame and fear. May Jesus, in his mercy, open your ears to listen with all your heart. May He guide and guard your tongue so that you can discern the right time to speak the truth and do so with integrity and compassion when the time comes. And may the Father’s unconditional love shine brightly in all you do.